The New Year has begun, and it’s a blessing to say we crossed the threshold. There are so many who didn’t make it. Some left this world due to heavy hearts. They were bowed and broken by the world’s weight and unable to face a new day. And others closed their eyes in eternal slumber. No matter the reason, they are not here today. That says something for those of us still breathing. We still have a purpose. We still have things that need to be done, and if we can hold on, we can see the fruits of our endurance.
Heart to Hearts
I have conveyed in many of my written messages that there is always a lesson. There is something to learn every day. Some insights we gain might be small or what may seem like useless bits of knowledge. While others have greater applicability and can improve our lives if we take heed. But there is always something to learn. We grow daily in ways unseen.
A Lesson for the New Year
The year didn’t pass before teaching me a precious lesson.
That lesson is the importance of clarity or, more specifically, clarified intention. Be specific when you set your intention and attempt to go about the process of manifesting your desires. This gentle word may seem trite to some, but it’s not.
Be careful what you wish for: The Importance of Clarifying Your Intentions.
I never took stock of the adage, “Be careful what you wish for because you might get it.” I was more caught up in finally getting something I asked for. But now I fully understand the weightiness of that adage.
Why is it important to be careful?
Sometimes there is a mismatch between what we want and desire because things are more appealing in theory. Other times we don’t know what it is that we want. There’s a general idea, but it’s fundamentally unclear. And then, other times, we know, but we don’t understand how to break it down into specific desires. So, I urge anyone who reads this to stop and take stock before voicing (putting out into the universe) what you think you want. Make sure it’s specific.
The Real Deal
Let me give you a few examples of what I mean. Let’s look at the real deal.
Some believe they want to be famous until they are. There is a lot that comes with fame. And it certainly is not all glitz and glamour. It’s often unpretty, cumbersome, and a beast to maintain. Some say they want to be rich without taking stock of how that could occur. Sometimes there is a cost, and that cost may be very steep. However, for most, the impact of fulfillment is rarely considered in the ask. But I would be amiss if I didn’t pass on what I have learned.
One Final Imperative on Clarified Intention
The truth is that many will only realize the imperative nature of being specific once they get what they presume they want. It is then that they realize they want so much more. Or rather, they don’t want what they believed they desired in the form in which it is received. I found that out before the passing of the old year. But it was a lesson well learned and one that has, without a doubt, changed my life. And I hope it will change yours as well.
When setting your intentions for this year, be mindful. When seeking to manifest, be clear. Because sometimes, there are no takebacks.
There is a word that is an essential building block of success. That word is Intention. Everything that one succeeds at begins with intention. Intention is pointed direction. It is a driving force.
Intention is motive.
The biggest tool for advancement and discernment (empowerment) is seeking out intention in yourself and others.
Not only is intention the starting marker for putting in your best it is also a ruler by which you can measure others. Understanding the intention of others will provide all the information needed for pruning relationships.
There is a saying repeated often, and it bears repeating that we rise to the level of those with whom we surround ourselves. So, if you want a good measure of where you are going, look at those you choose to hold council with.
Blind Cannot Lead the Blind.
A person with an impoverished mind cannot show you how to be wealthy. A person who isn’t a parent can’t tell you how to be a parent. Someone who has never been married can’t counsel on how to develop a deep and abiding marriage.
However, If you find yourself in a circle of people who are your equals in aspiration or have reached a level to which you aspire, then the next measure is to search out their intention.
Inequality of Intentions
Not all intentions are equal. Two people can desire the same outcome but for entirely different reasons. For example, one might desire to be rich to give back, while another may want to be rich as a means of revenge. Their sole purpose is to push their success in the face of others.
Some may want to get to know you because they are interested in developing a genuine friendship. Others have designs on you. There is an underlying motive, possibly exploitation or harm.
Always ask why?
Before you undertake something, ask yourself, why am I doing this?
Before accepting anyone into your circle, examine why you want them in your circle. And if someone approaches you with a desire to connect, ask yourself why?
When we discover our intention and the intention of others, we save ourselves a lot of pain.
What I Learned
Nine times out of ten, I have discovered when something doesn’t work out for me, it’s because it was driven by the wrong motive. When I am most let down, I look for the wrong things. My intentions are not pure.
This self-examination is not something that comes easily. It is easy to fall back into negative patterns. But it’s worth changing those habits. When changing your habits, you change your life.
It’s been said before, but life is replete with lessons. There will always be a teacher if one is willing to learn. One thing I know I struggle with is demonstrating understanding.
And no, I’m not talking about the wisdom that comes with reflection, contemplation, and assimilation of what I have learned from general matters.
I speak of understanding in the sense of demonstrating greater patience and a more profound sense of empathy.
What the World Needs Now: On Building Relationships
One thing that I believe is lacking today is deep empathy, patience with others, and the willingness to, above all, seek understanding. People, in general, live a more strained and stressed existence. People get fed up too easily.
Grace, respect, reserve, and empathetic listening are qualities sorely missing from the public discourse now.
Relationships require nurture. Which means attentiveness and care. As people, we must care for the people to whom we choose to relate regardless of what level that relation may be. Caring for others requires empathy and patience. Without it, it is impossible to maintain a long-term relationship with another human being.
A Course on Humanity
And what life has taught me over the last months is that we must constantly examine our humanity and renew our commitment to demonstrating grace. I have had this reflected back to me in numerous ways in the past year. It has fallen upon my ears in several manners. It has passed my eyes in text. It has shown itself to me through circumstance. Yet it was not until late that I sat down to really heed these lessons.
Lost in Loss
My first lesson began with a loss. Then I got a repeat lesson in the subsequent months with a near loss. The first tragedy forced the scales from my eyes. The second reinforced the lessons from the first, so I would not slip back into former belief patterns.
The first took my breath away the second took me to my knees. I was in a position where I had nothing to do but seek understanding.
What was the greatest source of my pain?
I knew I had been guilty of placing lofty expectations on others. But I was learning to adjust them.
That is not to say I shouldn’t have had any expectations of others.
We need to set standards and boundaries for what we will and will not permit in our lives. That is necessary for our mental well-being.
I didn’t know what to do when others I held close didn’t even meet the minimum. What would it mean if someone I loved didn’t act in a manner that I felt fell on the baseline of what was acceptable?
I was shaken. by what I perceived as callousness. And in a moment of desperation, I threw up my hands from exhaustion from trying. I wanted to excise all people from my life.
Lesson 1: On Grace
That is when I received the first message regarding grace. Someone dear to me inquired if I had considered first extending grace. The person continued. What about considering that there are factors I couldn’t see that impacted their movement.
I could not possibly understand how my hurt impacted others, or why they responded to the tragedy the way they did?
Did I consider that there are some things others haven’t learned yet?
So what about extending grace?
While I received the advice, I didn’t fully understand it enough to act on it when it was shared with me. And at the time I didn’t want to because I was too lost in my own loss and grief.
I only wanted others to empathize with me. I only wanted them to reach out to me and share in my grief. I didn’t want to suffer alone.
I most wanted to know why others couldn’t see my pain and respond with a rudimentary demonstration of kindness.
Can’t they see I’m hurting I would ask?
Is this how they would like to be treated I would inquire within?
That would not be the last lesson I would be taught on grace.
Lesson 2: On Grace
I would be taught this lesson again.
Some months later, strain within a working environment left me feeling overlooked and undervalued.
There were basic expectations I held for I felt I should be treated by my colleagues and leaders. And when I felt those basic expectations went unmet, I withdrew. I was hurt and felt disrespected. And I was on the verge of quitting when a conversation with the CEO changed my perspective.
Through a discourse, the CEO revealed to me some information I would not normally be privy to. The conversation bought enlightenment where there was none. Upon the illumination of the matter, I saw how mistaken I had been.
My assumptions were based on my limited knowledge.
My inability to be patient, understanding, and extend grace, created stress where there should have been none.
‘What is Grace?
Grace is the ability to extend the benefit of the doubt. The willingness to consider factors we don’t understand and thus be slow to judge and act. It is the ability to feel empathy on an entirely different level.
I’m convinced that my inability to show grace has been an enduring source of my pain. My inability to understand that people cannot act beyond their experiences left me hurt.
The Key to Deep Relationships Is Grace
What we see is only a tiny part of what another person goes through and deals with daily. It is impossible to judge the human heart based on one response. Life is so much more complex.
Fundamentally, we can’t expect people to act beyond what they know or what they have learned. Unfortunately, we don’t know everything a person has learned. So, the best we can do to nourish and deepen relationships is to learn the art of grace.
Grace is what matters in anything – especially life, especially growth, tragedy, pain, love, and death. It keeps you from reaching out for the gun too quickly. It keeps you from destroying things too foolishly. It sort of keeps you alive.
James Allen wrote his most memorable work, As a Man Thinketh, in 1902. In 1952 Norman Vincent Peele wrote the Power of Positive Thinking. Over 120 years later, since Allen’s book, thousands of books have been written on framing one’s mindset to look at the glass half-full and for a good reason.
The Importance of Positive Thinking: Looking at the Glass Half Full
When you focus on the positive, there is less room for negativity. It’s a universal understanding that light and darkness cannot simultaneously occupy the same space. Light drives out darkness; conversely, darkness is the absence of light. Thus, if one truly desires to live a more satisfying existence of light and love, they must focus on that which emits light and love, that which is pleasing, enjoyable, and lovely.
Some may ask if being over-positive is a thing. This may be difficult for some to understand, but positive thinking in the form of idealism can have negative implications. \
What is idealism?
As defined in the dictionary, Idealism is,
“the tendency to represent things in an ideal form, or as they might or should be rather than as they are.”
And there is a particular pain that comes with this thinking, as idealism will frequently lead to disappointment.
Why?
We don’t live in an idealistic reality. We are flawed people living in an imperfect world. Extreme ideations of others can lead to unmet expectations.
As Edith Eger notes in her book “The Gift: 14 Lessons to Save Your Life,”
Life is not always fair or good and isn’t always easy. So it does nothing to think it will be otherwise, especially because one subscribes to seeing the glass half full.
So What is One to Do?
This does not mean one should not surround themselves with positive things. This does not mean that one shouldn’t center their thoughts on positive things. An individual should always choose hope. However, one must also understand that life happens to us all. Thinking positively does not negate what things we may go through.
On the contrary, thinking positively helps us get through those things. Moreover, thinking positive helps us maintain an attitude that will draw more positivity into our lives. But to reap the benefits of such focus, one must appropriately manage expectations.
What Does Managing Expectations Have to Do with Idealism?
The most immense pain that comes with idealism is drawing characterizations of others in our minds with our ideations. It becomes challenging to deal with when the people in our lives fail to live up to those ideals. Either we lose trust in those people or in people in general. We are cut by the fragments of the image of who we want them or wish them to be fall. That is why It is imperative to manage expectations, especially when dealing with others or seeking to maintain relationships.
Admittedly the actual problem does not lie with them but within us. It lies in our need or penchant to place our expectations (ideals) on others.
A Personal Truth
I can’t divulge how many times I have been bitten by this. For years I have tried to understand why people were the way they were. I can’t count how often I have been hurt, burned, or let down by family and so-called friends. But the thing is, I never saw a problem within myself.
I never took time to look at the expectations I held for others. And given the position I gave them in my mind, I expected them to live up to the standards I had assigned for those given roles. I expected them to fulfill my definition of friendship. I felt as if they should live up to my definition of what love meant. I not only expected but required them to fulfill their role as I defined those roles. When they failed because authentically, they were incapable of meeting my ideal, I felt hurt.
I never acknowledged that I didn’t see those people as they were. I didn’t take into consideration their definition of love or friendship. I didn’t consider they did the best they could to live up to their definition of a friend, sister, mother, or significant other. I was simply being unfair to expect them to carry out my ideals. So, my idealism prevented me for years from forming lasting relationships. It stopped me for years from being able to forgive or move on. My thinking enslaved me.
Word to You
I say all of that to say think positive. Embrace positivity and seek out positive situations and people. But also seek Balance. No, that when it rains, it rains on everyone; no one is immune. Undergoing a storm doesn’t mean you should stop looking for sunnier destinations.
Don’t mistake idealism for positivity. Seek balance in your expectations, and you will feel liberation. Accept people as they are and always lean to the side of thinking that people are authentically trying even if their definition of trying doesn’t meet our own.
Is it always easy to do this no? Is it worth working on it? It is always worth it. Above all, remember you are never alone in your growth process. We are going through this thing called life together.
In society, there is a great plague. This plague is more insidious than any virus.
Too many people are suffering from lack.
Sadly, a mass majority are only surviving. They are only trying to make it through each day.
However, if you are subsisting, always on the verge, you might suffer from a malady. The name for that malady is a failure to thrive.
The Needs of Humanity
Humans require specific needs to be met for them to flourish.
Those basic needs are food, water, and oxygen. A living being cannot live without these three as they are pertinent to physiological growth and development. So, it is, lack of these can result in malnourishment and disorders that lead to disease, incapacitation, and eventually death.
However, physiological needs are not the only one which must be met. Non-physiological needs must also be met for a person to thrive in the world, as people are more than their bodies.
The Triple-A of Psycho-social needs
The three psycho-social needs most important to human growth beyond surviving ,to thrive, are affection, acceptance, and attention.
On the surface, these may seem superficial. To seek these things may seem like vanity, especially the need for attention. However, it is not.
Why?
I have discovered that when we start to miss these, we wither like a plant that goes uncared for. And extreme lack will result in death.
Thirsting to Thrive
Survival is instinctual.
At the base level, humans act in manners that will prevent threats to their continued existence. When one wonders why there is such an over-fascination with social media to the point of extremism, this explains it.
For a mass majority, they have their need for attention met by social media. They thrive from the amount of attention they receive.
That infant cannot nourish itself. The caretaker/parent must provide the newborn with nourishment. However, nutrition alone will not suffice in assuring the survival of the wee one.
If a newborn is not cared for and given attentiveness and affection, it will perish. And there is evidence that uncared-for infants have succumbed to a failure to thrive.
As one source notes,
In homes riddled with conflicting stress, chaos, or poverty, or where parents are poorly informed about children’s developmental needs, the children’s progress may be impaired if the nutritional intake and the quality of nurturing are inadequate for the child’s age.
Therefore, in some instances where infants seem to struggle with their health and connection, one of the prescriptions is for skin-to-skin contact and attentiveness.
As it is reported,
Frequent exposure to close proximity, conducted in a calm and soothing way, tends to reduce anxiety and apprehension in the child and anger or resentment in the parents.”
I am currently reading an influential book entitled ‘The Gift: 14 Lessons to Save Your Life” by Edith Edger. In this book Edger, a survivor of Auschwitz, relays an experience she had with an extremist she met. She recounts how the patient’s initial behavior made her feel livid.
But then she had to give it a second thought. Although her first response was outrage at his insensitivity, her afterthought was to show compassion.
But why?
Why should someone whose life has been so altered be the incompassionate demonstrate compassion for an extremist exhibiting the same behavior she recognized in those who caused her a painful past?
Seeing the Pain in Others
She showed compassion because she recognized the lack. Edger understood that lack could lead to struggle, extremism, and depressive behaviors.
As she penned in her book,
“He hadn’t joined an extremist group because he was born with hate. He was seeking what we all want: acceptance, attention, and affection.
So she saw her patient’s extremist behaviors as a symptom of a much bigger ailment.
He was like an infant who is uncared for, unattended, and unloved struggles to survive.
See, likewise adults can suffer from a lack of these, lending them to scratch and claw for any means to survive.
I share this only because I, too, have experienced this on various levels. The times in my life in which I have fallen the most deeply are when I felt most uncared for. A lot of it stems from childhood. However, I’ve felt this at various levels in my life. And it left me feeling empty and depressed.
I will not say I’m totally cured, but I have come a long way.And i’m doing more than surviving now. But It’s a process.
I believe when people surround themselves with others who genuinely care, are authentically attentive, show affection, and accept them without judgment, their lives change. These people are less likely to be depressed, commit suicide, or join gangs or extremist groups.
Falling Prey
People gravitate towards what makes them feel noticed and connected. They seek out that feeling elsewhere when there is a lack of healthy connection. Others have been known to prey on this. Such individuals position themselves as a loving sibling, parental figure, or friend as a means of luring those with a weakness in this area. They welcome them into a family, giving them a sense of security and belonging.
Those Who Don’t (Non-sufferers)
Some may argue well, that’s not true of everyone. No, of course, it isn’t. Some individuals can provide these things for themselves. These people have learned how to find connections in a higher source. They have learned to attend to themselves, applaud themselves, and love themselves. Fundamentally such individuals have learned the art of self-acceptance. But the key is they have learned.
But how can one learn without a teacher?
Yes, first, an individual must have been taught. And either someone else showed them how to do this, or they learned it from experience.
Either way, this does not come naturally.
A Word to Others
For those who continue to struggle, I urge you to continue to fight hard. Look for your tribe. Move away from those who refuse to accept you. Put distance between you and those who manipulate, use, and tear you down.
Find mentors. Read and sit at the feet of others who have gained the wisdom of experience. Seek out those who have your well-being at heart. And do this until you can learn to nurture this within yourself, or you can rest in knowing you’re connected to a higher source, where you can find these things when too weak to see them in yourself.
Inspiraelevation 