Inspiraelevation

Being a mother of children, you learn so many lessons. Those lessons stick with you, and it helps you see life in a way that you never would have.
It is my belief, that no matter your role or responsibility in life if you pay close attention, you will learn some invaluable lessons

 One such lesson I learned
One of my dear children was sick, and to get better he needed to take medicine.

 

That medicine was the thing that was going to get him over what he was going through.  However, based on his reaction, I assumed that the medicine was not all that pleasant. So, on subsequent attempts to administer the medicine, he refused. He did everything in his power to avoid medicine.

It was a struggle for me to ensure that he got that medicine.

I found myself saying, “Oh my, why does he fight so the thing that is good for him.”

I lamented, “why won’t he just let me help him.” But no method of coercion would get him to believe that something that tasted so awful was good for him or would help him.

Cue the Frustration!

However, the fact remained that medicine was what he needed.

I had to push through and find a way to get him to take it despite his objections. It was quite a task. In the middle of this ordeal, something interesting came to mind.

I suddenly began to think of myself, and how sometimes, even though I know what is best for me I avoid it because it’s hard, bitter, unpleasant, or uncomfortable. Even though I know that what lies on the other side of that is health, success, peace.

I will refuse to willingly do that thing which is best for me.

It was a great illumination. Because my son was no different than I. I could greatly empathize. The only difference between he and I was age and life experience. There was no difference in the reaction. I too did not want to take strong medicine despite its benefits.

As adults or individuals who want to succeed, we have to do hard things. We have to take strong medicine.

We have to do what we don’t want to do. We have to make difficult choices. We must create good habits and adhere to them no matter how difficult. It’s not pleasant at first but it’s what we need.

There will not always be someone there to force-feed us, to ensure that we get our desired outcome.

And the last thing we want is for life to force-feed us.

So, we must mature beyond the thinking of a child, we cannot continuously avoid what is good for us and expect a successful outcome. We must learn to take the strong medicine on our own accord.

Addressing the slips

 

Meeting goals can be a challenge.

It is easy when you start off, before the motivation wanes.

Somewhere along the way, if you are like me, you struggle to be consistent.

You begin to wonder what the problem is, why can’t you meet those elusive goals.

Habit Forming

There are competing theories on how long it takes to create a habit.

Most give you anywhere between 30 to 90 days.

Presumably, after this time frame, you should pretty much have accomplished the goal, especially if it is in the vein of a habit change.

If you are like me, sometimes you struggle to make it that far. You get 15 to 21 days in and then lose momentum. From that point, it’s not that you stop working at it, but you become inconsistent, so the goal is never really solidified.

Or sometimes you do make it to those proscribed 30 or 90 days and you wipe the sweat off your brow with the hope of resting a little easier because you held on, assured you have formed your new habit.

Then one day you wake up after some 100 or 120 days, and you slip and find that what you thought you built has crumbled to the ground.

You don’t understand.

You may believe that all that advice about goal setting is really rubbish.

It’s not.

Habit-forming is not that easy and there are many reasons why the proscribed method may not work for you.

1. your goal is not set on a firm foundation

You don’t have a real purpose driving the change. So, you will not be willing to do what it takes to see it through.

Your purpose must be intrinsic. Your goal must be your goal, not anyone else’s, or for anyone else.

2. Your goals are not SMART or objective.

SMART is an acronym for specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and timely. You must make sure that you are not unreasonable with what you can achieve in the time you wish to achieve it. You must start off small.

3. You are not ready for change

When you really want to change you will find the impetus to do what is necessary. Excuses of any kind are tell-tale signs that usually indicate that you are not quite ready for change.

4. What you want is not for you

There are certain things in life that we want to achieve but, we are not equipped to do.  No matter how hard you try, you simply will not achieve it.

5. The process is not enjoyable

The process itself needs to be fun or enjoyable. Find methods that you enjoy to keep you motivated. No matter how much you want something if you dread the work it takes to get you there it will be twice as hard.

Many of my goals never came into fruition and for most of them, I found that one of these reasons above was the actual cause.

When you are ready for change you will commit to the process of change. You will be smart and reasonable.  You will employ the Kaizen method and make small and measurable steps towards improvement.  What you want will be achievable. You will have the right skill sets, education, and resources to achieve it, or at least access to those things.

We invest in what we value.

We give time to what we value.

Thus, what we value grows because we nurture it. It does not matter what it is.

Those things we don’t truly value will never grow because we will never invest the required timed. We will never nurture it enough.

We create our own value hierarchy.

Each individuals hierarchy is different.

Your unique value hierarchy is yours and yours alone no one can create or alter it for you. No matter how much coaching you receive or how much you coach someone else it will not cause any changes to the value structure.

As Manson notes in his book, “… Values cannot be changed through reason only through experience” (Hanson 84).

Thus, no one can make you succeed at anything. Likewise, you cannot blame anyone else for failing to succeed.

This does not mean you should not heed to advisement.

Advisors exist for a reason. Advisors exist to provide a spark that will touch your heart, as it is your heart that is directly connected to what you value. Through guidance perhaps you will be persuaded to make changes to your value hierarchy in order to create meaningful change that leads to an abundantly successful life.

How can you determine your value structure?

One way to determine your value structure is to look at the things you are willing to invest the most in.

Ask yourself this question: What things are you most willing to go to extraordinary lengths to protect or keep? It could be either material or immaterial

It could be ego, pride, image, or reputation.

It could be family, relationship, or position.

The list is inexhaustible. No matter what it is, you will recognize it through your actions.

• It is usually that one thing that you will sacrifice all else for.
• It is the one thing you attend to with immediacy that you must devote the first fruits of your time.
• It is that one thing that when left a choice you prioritize.

That is how you determine your value structure.

It might help to sit down and write out your priorities. Then rank them in order of importance from 1-10. Then you will have a visual representation of those things that are uniquely important to you.

Then check your priorities against your goal, mission, or vision.

If your values align then inevitably success will come.

If your values and your goals don’t align you will never accomplish what you profess to want.

Why?

You are not being honest with yourself.

How do I correct this?

The only way to make a change is to either change what you value or change the goal.

If you want lasting and durable success in anything don’t continue to move the goal post. Ultimately, you have to have a change of heart.

Manson, M. (2019). Everything is #@%!ed a Book about Hope. Harper Collins.

There is a popular book written by the late James Matthew Barrie about a boy who didn’t grow up. In fact, he found other boys who had been neglected or orphaned and took them away to a land where they would never grow up. Ironically this land was called “Neverland.” These boys that Peter took with him were called “the lost boys.” By now I’m sure you are very familiar with the book to which I am referring, “Peter Pan.”

Everyone passes through childhood. For many, it is a magical time and some not so much. But childhood soon passes and we make our way into adulthood, that is physically speaking.

The truth is it takes some of us longer than others to mentally pass into adulthood. We find that although the years have passed and time and experience has impacted our bodies we still have not fully matured to the extent that we should have.

Some of us still struggle to define maturity and what actions indicate that we have indeed reached maturity. As most look at it maturity a byproduct of aging and simply experiencing life over time.

“Pass a certain point maturity has nothing to do with age what matters are a persons intentions the difference between a child, an adolescent, and an adult is not how old they are or what they do but why they do something.  (Manson 147).

Eureka there it is!

It is our rationale that determines our level of maturity.

Our motives behind our action are very telling. And at some point, one has to examine the root of their actions.

Here are a few questions that we should ask ourselves to get to the root of our motivations.

1. Are my motives conditional?
2. Am I doing something just for the sake of doing it?
3. Am I carrying out an action because it is a principle that I have adopted?
4. Are my actions transactional, or am I only doing something to expect something in return?

For example

• Am I being honest because I expect something in return?
• Am I being loyal because I expect something in return?
• Am I only professing love out of a gesture of expectation?

Those who have matured into full adulthood have motivations that indicate their growth.

 

Manson in Everything is #@%!ED a Book About Hope gives a very clear cut definition of adulthood.

Adulthood is the realization that sometimes an abstract princple is right and good for its own sake, that even if it hurts you today, even if it hurts others, being honest is still the right thing to do. Therefore becoming an adult is therefore developing the ability to do what is right for the simple reason that it is right. Honesty is therefore an end, not a means to some end. (Manson 145)

This is the level of growth we have to achieve to build a legacy of lasting success and achievement. Before we can achieve anything meaningful we have to become adults and learn to look at things with an adult perspective.

The amazing thing is too many of us still don’t look at things with an adult perspective. This is the reason, why many of us have not achieved to the level that we most desire. It is largely due to our lack and or refusal to grow beyond adolescent and pre-pubescent thinking.

Change begins with defining what needs to change and then taking the necessary actions.

In this case, to make the necessary change we must first examine if our thinking aligns with the thinking of a young child or adolescent and if so make changes to grow and mature beyond that to be successful.

A Young Child’s Thinking

“A young child’s identity is very small and fragile. It is constituted by simply what gives pleasure and what avoids pain” (Manson 142).

This type of thinking does not nurture growth. Growth requires pain and requires that we sometimes face the fire, stretch beyond where we are comfortable, and lean into some challenging situations. This type of thinking is in opposition to the young child’s mindset.

An Adolescent’s thinking

As an adolescent everything is a trade-off. ” Nothing is done for its own sake, everything is a calculated transaction usually  made out of fear of the negative repercussion. Everything is a means to some pleasurable end. The problem with adolescent values is that if you hold them, you never actually stand for something outside yourself. You are still at heart a child. (Manson 143)

This type of thinking does not sustain success. This is the core of bargaining. The type of success that is built on this type of motivation is unsustainable. Eventually, the individual ends up empty and in a desperate search for their identity; and ends with a life’s journey which is miserable neither fruitful or rewarding.

If in examination we find our thinking and actions aligning with anything other than that of a mature adult it is time to change if success and achievement are what we seek.

Unlike Peter in Barrie’s book, Peter Pan we have to grow up in all things. If we want a fulfilling and successful life we cannot stay a child forever.

Works Cited

Manson, Mark. 2019. Everything is #@%!Ed A Book About Hope. NewYork: NY,

Harper Collins.

We have to be dissatisfied with where we are to grow.

But, let’s be honest growth can be a painful, timely, and terrifying process. Therefore, most don’t seek out challenging situations and circumstances. They rather try their best to avoid challenges and the discomfort that accompanies such at all cost.

However, one can not avoid pain if they wish to grow.

This is an absolute truth.

Despite knowledge of such truth, we avoid pain as much as we can.

In fact, for most, we wait until we are forced to grow.  We wait until the pain is forced upon us by some unforeseeable circumstance or misfortune and then we have no choice.  This is the theme that is addressed in Spencer Johnson’s acclaimed literary work Who Moved my Cheese.

Waiting for life to force growth upon you makes things a whole lot more painful than they should be.

This is largely due to our conditioning.

I know of an individual who has put in years of work for a company. The rewards are small and only slightly incremental relative to the time put in. Yet, the person refuses to reach for another level or just simply move on. Although this individual wants more for themselves, he or she cannot force themselves to step into change.

I surmise the hesitation is due to fear or feelings of false security.

Change and moving into the unknown is scary.

For this person, I believe that the phantom pain of the unknown does not supersede the current feelings of security the individual feels in the current position. Thus, there is no motive to change.

In order to progress and reach beyond the current level that individual must decide that the current payoffs are not worth the invested time. That individual must be dissatisfied enough with what he or she is reaping. The discomfort of staying must outweigh the perceived discomfort of the unknown.

As long as you are content with where you are, no matter how good or bad it may be for you, you will not be persuaded to do what is necessary to grow and change. If you want to take control of your life and the situation you have to reach. You have to move out of your comfort zone willingly and embrace the initial discomfort. You have to choose to be dissatisfied with your current state and know that there is something better on the other side of that temporary pain and bring about that change and growth of your own volition.

Don’t wait for life to force it upon you.

+