I watch social media more than I should. That is probably why I picked up a book entitled The Content Diet, although I haven’t started it yet. But this isn’t really about the book. It is about illusion, expectation, and standards.

The List of Things We Deserve

I have noticed something while watching the typical dating shows and social media dating content, particularly shows and formats like Pop the Balloon or Find Love. One of the primary questions people are asked when discussing the relationships they seek is, “What are your standards?” What are your expectations? What do you want?

The question is often followed by a long list of things people believe they deserve. Self-reflection, however, is rarely part of the process.

A Question I Heard Before I Understood It

I can remember sitting in a wooden pew as a little girl, paper church fan in hand, the kind adorned with images of Mahalia Jackson or Martin Luther King Jr. Somewhere in the sanctuary, a kaleidoscope of colors filtered through stained-glass windows. The visiting pastor, or perhaps it was my very own father, would stand before the congregation speaking with fervor as beads of sweat rolled down his forehead, his sermon punctuated by an occasional dab of the handkerchief he carried.

Then came the call and response.

“Turn to your neighbor and say, ‘If everyone in the world was just like me, what kind of world would this world be?’”

That was a moment of self-reflection, although I suspect few of us actually stopped to reflect on it. We said the words, but saying them and examining ourselves through them are two very different things.

The Standards We Set for Everyone Else

And somehow, that brings me back to the point of this post.

We move through the world carrying a laundry list of expectations for other people. We think we deserve everything we desire. The partner who is over six feet tall, six-figure successful, attractive, emotionally available, supportive, dependable, ultra-fit, and perhaps even perfectly submissive. We want respect. We want loyalty. We want consistency. We want someone who communicates, shows up, listens, understands, and makes us feel valued.

But how often do we stop and ask ourselves:

Do I exhibit the very things I am asking for?

What Am I Bringing to the Table?

If the things returned to me were the same things I consistently put into the world, would I be satisfied with what came back?

Would I be deserving of the relationship I say I want?

We are all deserving of good things. But there is something sobering about demanding from others the qualities we have never demanded of ourselves.

Self-inventory has a way of humbling us.

It might make us more grateful for what we already have. It might help us recognize the people who have shown up for us, the grace we have received, and the ways in which our own imperfections have been met with patience and mercy.

Maybe the Standard Starts With Me

Perhaps the goal isn’t to lower our standards. Perhaps it is to hold ourselves to the same standard we so readily place on everyone else.

Because before I ask, what do I deserve? perhaps I should also ask, What am I giving?

Before I ask, What kind of person do I want? Perhaps I should ask, what kind of person am I?

And before I judge the world for failing to give me what I expect from it, perhaps I should return to that little wooden pew and consider the question again:

If everyone in the world was just like me, what kind of world would this world truly be?