It’s been said before, but life is replete with lessons. There will always be a teacher if one is willing to learn. One thing I know I struggle with is demonstrating understanding.

And no, I’m not talking about the wisdom that comes with reflection, contemplation, and assimilation of what I have learned from general matters.

I speak of understanding in the sense of demonstrating greater patience and a more profound sense of empathy.

What the World Needs Now: On Building Relationships

One thing that I believe is lacking today is deep empathy, patience with others, and the willingness to, above all, seek understanding. People, in general, live a more strained and stressed existence. People get fed up too easily.

Grace, respect, reserve, and empathetic listening are qualities sorely missing from the public discourse now.

Meryl Streep

However, building long-lasting relationships requires quite the opposite.

Building Blocks of Relationships

Relationships require nurture. Which means attentiveness and care. As people, we must care for the people to whom we choose to relate regardless of what level that relation may be. Caring for others requires empathy and patience. Without it, it is impossible to maintain a long-term relationship with another human being.

A Course on Humanity

And what life has taught me over the last months is that we must constantly examine our humanity and renew our commitment to demonstrating grace. I have had this reflected back to me in numerous ways in the past year. It has fallen upon my ears in several manners. It has passed my eyes in text. It has shown itself to me through circumstance. Yet it was not until late that I sat down to really heed these lessons.

Lost in Loss

My first lesson began with a loss. Then I got a repeat lesson in the subsequent months with a near loss. The first tragedy forced the scales from my eyes. The second reinforced the lessons from the first, so I would not slip back into former belief patterns.

The first took my breath away the second took me to my knees. I was in a position where I had nothing to do but seek understanding.

What was the greatest source of my pain?

I knew I had been guilty of placing lofty expectations on others. But I was learning to adjust them.

That is not to say I shouldn’t have had any expectations of others.

We need to set standards and boundaries for what we will and will not permit in our lives. That is necessary for our mental well-being.

Surrendering: A Necessary Step

I didn’t know what to do when others I held close didn’t even meet the minimum. What would it mean if someone I loved didn’t act in a manner that I felt fell on the baseline of what was acceptable?

I was shaken. by what I perceived as callousness. And in a moment of desperation, I threw up my hands from exhaustion from trying. I wanted to excise all people from my life.

Lesson 1: On Grace

That is when I received the first message regarding grace. Someone dear to me inquired if I had considered first extending grace. The person continued. What about considering that there are factors I couldn’t see that impacted their movement.

I could not possibly understand how my hurt impacted others, or why they responded to the tragedy the way they did?

Did I consider that there are some things others haven’t learned yet?

So what about extending grace?

While I received the advice, I didn’t fully understand it enough to act on it when it was shared with me. And at the time I didn’t want to because I was too lost in my own loss and grief.

I only wanted others to empathize with me. I only wanted them to reach out to me and share in my grief. I didn’t want to suffer alone.

I most wanted to know why others couldn’t see my pain and respond with a rudimentary demonstration of kindness.

Can’t they see I’m hurting I would ask?

Is this how they would like to be treated I would inquire within?

That would not be the last lesson I would be taught on grace.

Lesson 2: On Grace

I would be taught this lesson again.

Some months later, strain within a working environment left me feeling overlooked and undervalued.

There were basic expectations I held for I felt I should be treated by my colleagues and leaders. And when I felt those basic expectations went unmet, I withdrew. I was hurt and felt disrespected. And I was on the verge of quitting when a conversation with the CEO changed my perspective.

Through a discourse, the CEO revealed to me some information I would not normally be privy to. The conversation bought enlightenment where there was none. Upon the illumination of the matter, I saw how mistaken I had been.

My assumptions were based on my limited knowledge.

My inability to be patient, understanding, and extend grace, created stress where there should have been none.

‘What is Grace?

Grace is the ability to extend the benefit of the doubt. The willingness to consider factors we don’t understand and thus be slow to judge and act. It is the ability to feel empathy on an entirely different level.

I’m convinced that my inability to show grace has been an enduring source of my pain. My inability to understand that people cannot act beyond their experiences left me hurt.

The Key to Deep Relationships Is Grace

What we see is only a tiny part of what another person goes through and deals with daily. It is impossible to judge the human heart based on one response. Life is so much more complex.

Fundamentally, we can’t expect people to act beyond what they know or what they have learned. Unfortunately, we don’t know everything a person has learned. So, the best we can do to nourish and deepen relationships is to learn the art of grace.

Grace is what matters in anything – especially life, especially growth, tragedy, pain, love, and death. It keeps you from reaching out for the gun too quickly. It keeps you from destroying things too foolishly. It sort of keeps you alive.

Jeff Buckley