Category: Just pure motivation

Failure to thrive

July 18th, 2022

In society, there is a great plague. This plague is more insidious than any virus.

Too many people are suffering from lack.

Sadly, a mass majority are only surviving. They are only trying to make it through each day.

However, if you are subsisting, always on the verge, you might suffer from a malady. The name for that malady is a failure to thrive.

The Needs of Humanity

Humans require specific needs to be met for them to flourish.

Those basic needs are food, water, and oxygen. A living being cannot live without these three as they are pertinent to physiological growth and development. So, it is, lack of these can result in malnourishment and disorders that lead to disease, incapacitation, and eventually death.

However, physiological needs are not the only one which must be met. Non-physiological needs must also be met for a person to thrive in the world, as people are more than their bodies.

The Triple-A of Psycho-social needs

The three psycho-social needs most important to human growth beyond surviving ,to thrive, are affection, acceptance, and attention.

On the surface, these may seem superficial. To seek these things may seem like vanity, especially the need for attention. However, it is not.

Why?

I have discovered that when we start to miss these, we wither like a plant that goes uncared for. And extreme lack will result in death.

Thirsting to Thrive

Survival is instinctual.

At the base level, humans act in manners that will prevent threats to their continued existence. When one wonders why there is such an over-fascination with social media to the point of extremism, this explains it.

For a mass majority, they have their need for attention met by social media. They thrive from the amount of attention they receive.

This is only one example.

Infants and Failure to Thrive

Photo by Pixabay: https://www.pexels.com/photo/grayscale-photography-of-baby-holding-finger-208189/

An infant is birthed helpless.

That infant cannot nourish itself. The caretaker/parent must provide the newborn with nourishment. However, nutrition alone will not suffice in assuring the survival of the wee one.

If a newborn is not cared for and given attentiveness and affection, it will perish. And there is evidence that uncared-for infants have succumbed to a failure to thrive.

As one source notes,

In homes riddled with conflicting stress, chaos, or poverty, or where parents are poorly informed about children’s developmental needs, the children’s progress may be impaired if the nutritional intake and the quality of nurturing are inadequate for the child’s age.
https://psychology.iresearchnet.com/developmental-psychology/childhood-and-adolescence-development/failure-to-thrive/

Prescription for Infants Failing to Thrive

Therefore, in some instances where infants seem to struggle with their health and connection, one of the prescriptions is for skin-to-skin contact and attentiveness.

As it is reported,

Frequent exposure to close proximity, conducted in a calm and soothing way, tends to reduce anxiety and apprehension in the child and anger or resentment in the parents.”
https://psychology.iresearchnet.com/developmental-psychology/childhood-and-adolescence-development/failure-to-thrive/

Warmth and affection have healing powers.

Confirmation of an External Work

I am currently reading an influential book entitled ‘The Gift: 14 Lessons to Save Your Life” by Edith Edger. In this book Edger, a survivor of Auschwitz, relays an experience she had with an extremist she met. She recounts how the patient’s initial behavior made her feel livid.

But then she had to give it a second thought. Although her first response was outrage at his insensitivity, her afterthought was to show compassion.

But why?

Why should someone whose life has been so altered be the incompassionate demonstrate compassion for an extremist exhibiting the same behavior she recognized in those who caused her a painful past?

Seeing the Pain in Others

She showed compassion because she recognized the lack. Edger understood that lack could lead to struggle, extremism, and depressive behaviors.

As she penned in her book,

“He hadn’t joined an extremist group because he was born with hate. He was seeking what we all want: acceptance, attention, and affection.

So she saw her patient’s extremist behaviors as a symptom of a much bigger ailment.

He was like an infant who is uncared for, unattended, and unloved struggles to survive.

See, likewise adults can suffer from a lack of these, lending them to scratch and claw for any means to survive.

Photo by Alex Green from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/sorrowful-black-woman-crying-in-light-room-5700193/

My Struggle

I share this only because I, too, have experienced this on various levels. The times in my life in which I have fallen the most deeply are when I felt most uncared for. A lot of it stems from childhood. However, I’ve felt this at various levels in my life. And it left me feeling empty and depressed.

I will not say I’m totally cured, but I have come a long way.And i’m doing more than surviving now. But It’s a process.

A Remedy

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

I believe when people surround themselves with others who genuinely care, are authentically attentive, show affection, and accept them without judgment, their lives change. These people are less likely to be depressed, commit suicide, or join gangs or extremist groups.

Falling Prey

People gravitate towards what makes them feel noticed and connected. They seek out that feeling elsewhere when there is a lack of healthy connection. Others have been known to prey on this. Such individuals position themselves as a loving sibling, parental figure, or friend as a means of luring those with a weakness in this area. They welcome them into a family, giving them a sense of security and belonging.

Those Who Don’t (Non-sufferers)

Some may argue well, that’s not true of everyone. No, of course, it isn’t. Some individuals can provide these things for themselves. These people have learned how to find connections in a higher source. They have learned to attend to themselves, applaud themselves, and love themselves. Fundamentally such individuals have learned the art of self-acceptance. But the key is they have learned.

But how can one learn without a teacher?

Yes, first, an individual must have been taught. And either someone else showed them how to do this, or they learned it from experience.

Either way, this does not come naturally.

A Word to Others

For those who continue to struggle, I urge you to continue to fight hard. Look for your tribe. Move away from those who refuse to accept you. Put distance between you and those who manipulate, use, and tear you down.

Find mentors. Read and sit at the feet of others who have gained the wisdom of experience. Seek out those who have your well-being at heart. And do this until you can learn to nurture this within yourself, or you can rest in knowing you’re connected to a higher source, where you can find these things when too weak to see them in yourself.
The Illusion of the Highlight Reel

July 5th, 2022

Often, I take the time to look at elements in my life or events and draw inspiration and lessons. Some things present themselves to me in obvious ways. So, there is no denying that there is a lesson within them. Other things are more subtle. They are drawn from glances, interactions with nature, simple conversations, or gentle nudges from books or lectures.

Honest Reflection

Photo by cottonbro: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-woman-looking-at-a-mirror-9429423/

More recently, a thing dawned upon me. Not that it hasn’t presented itself before, but more so at this moment in life.

I looked at myself in the mirror. Then, as I and many of us do, I judged what I saw there. Of course, I will not bore you with details of my judgment. Sometimes I am a little too harsh, and other times, I am a little too lenient.

Everyday no Highlight

Nevertheless, that day I looked at myself, unadorned, fresh-faced, and dressed down. I knew what the day would hold, the task I would sit down to. I thought about the conversations I would have. It would be a typical day. A cup of coffee, a shower, and some light perfume. It would be a bit of breakfast for my youngest, followed by some household chores. And then sit down to my work of getting lost in a world of words for hours. Lastly, my day would unfold into dinner, some downtime with my spouse, and to bed to do it all over again. This day like so many others would be a typical day. It would be my every day. This brought me to thoughts of what the outside world saw of me.

Reels of Highlights

See, I realize that I pose for a few pictures at some point in my day. I fix myself up a bit, put on a smile, pose, and set my frames to some dramatic, pretty, or popular music. Then I post it. And that is what the world sees of me. My endless reels of highlights. I recognize that many will judge my entire life and purpose on that reel. There will be many who will draw their conclusions about who I am based on that highlight reel. But that is hardly who I am. That is what I want the world to see at the moment. Those reels are carefully crafted images. But that is not who I am every day.

A World of Highlights

Photo by Pixabay: https://www.pexels.com/photo/apps-business-cellphone-cellular-telephone-533446/

Then I thought of mass media. I thought of magazines, music videos, television shows, and movies. I think of the litany of Instagram reels, Facebook posts, and Tik Tok’s. Consider how much they are consumed on a daily. Then think of how they impact the minds of so many. Sadly, there are so many who feel their lives dim in comparison to all those people. The standard seems impossible because it is.

Life is sprinkled with highlights. Highlights are not everyday. We all get sick and have pain. Most of us work, although our jobs may differ. Vacations are short-lived. No one wakes up completely flawless. To think any different is a trick of the mind.

Programmed to Feel Inferior

The images we are bombarded with daily are crafted and curated pictures and experiences. These people are putting their best foot forward and excising their flaws. It is an illusion. But rarely do we stop to see it that way. This is where shifting one’s mindset is crucial. We all have highlight reels; it’s that they are not present ted to us every day. So, we get lost in the litany of the highlight reels of others. I am here to tell you that is a prescription for misery.

“Comparison is an act of violence against the self.” – Iyanla Vanzant

Strengthen your mind to discern the difference. Do not be tricked into believing your life is subpar or that you are inferior. That is a lie. It is far from the truth. Instead, realize you are being programmed to feel negative, be dissatisfied, and strive for something you already have.

“The reason we struggle with insecurity is that we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” Steve Furtick

Prescription: Create Your Own Highlight Reel

There is a way to counterbalance this. First, engage yourself in making your own highlight reel. And every day, play it back to yourself. Feed yourself with endless highlight reels of yourself until you start to recognize your greatness, beauty, and potential. Until you begin to realize that you are not inferior. There is no difference between you and the countless others. And if there is, most of it boils down to how you see yourself.
You’re Already There: Journey to Making It

June 27th, 2022
Yesterday I had an epiphany. I do sometimes have those.

I thought of all the famous people who have somehow made it. I thought of their journey. Then I had thought of mine.

I wondered at what point had they discovered within themselves that they had arrived at their dream. When did it dawn on them that they were living their dreams?

When Did They Get There?

Was it when they got the first call? Or was it the second? For the striving musician, was it when they signed their first deal. Was it real then? Maybe it wasn’t confirmed until they heard their voice streaming from the radio. And I thought maybe for some, it wasn’t real until they saw their names written across their first headline. Could it have been their first check? Did it not happen until their ears opened to the mention of their name on someone else’s lips?

Where Does Greatness Begin

I posed the question to my husband, does a person become great, or do they first believe in their greatness, and the rest follows?

Did Michael Jackson already see himself as the best before he was crowned so by public opinion? Did Alice Walker, Toni Morrison, or James Wheldon Johnson deem themselves prolific writers with their first works, or did it take hundreds? Rather did they still not see their greatness until the world turned and proclaimed so.

Isn’t a proclamation a verification of what already is?

This is what I came to reason About Getting There.

One must already believe in their greatness long before others, or the world could ever acknowledge so. Why? There can be no witness to something that is not already true. Validation from another doesn’t make something, so it confirms what already is.

I thought of all the work I had put in. So many times, I told myself I was working towards something. I never entirely spoke in absolutes, but I was careful not to affirm a negative either. I pondered on the many times I would say I’m getting there. But the thing about that is I never set the marker for when I would know I was what I set out to become.

A Personal Encounter: A Change of Perspective

I remember a conversation I had with someone discussing my work. As an artist of any form, you must realize your work is continuous. You must continue to evolve to grow and improve. So we discussed some things I could work on to improve my craft. Post discussion, I gave my contemporary my sincerest gratitude. I told her that every day I strive to be a great writer. She shocked me when she said you are already a great writer. I was taken aback. She saw in me something I had not yet seen in myself.

Already There

I am no longer trying or working towards being a writer. I am a writer, a bonafide writer, and a journalist. Not only that, I’m already prolific and making an impact. I must continue to build off that recognition. Greatness does not mean the greatest. It certainly doesn’t mean there isn’t more to do or accomplish. It means I recognize who I am, the level of my skill, and the essence of my craft. I will use that knowledge to only make me that much greater.

A Word To You

Before you can ever become something, you have to already believe you are. You must walk in, dwell in, wear, and speak it.

I think of this quote attributed to Ray Charles,

“I was born with music inside me. Music was one of my parts. Like my ribs, my kidneys, my liver, my heart. Like my blood. It was a force already within me when I arrived on the scene. It was a necessity for me-like food or water.

Ray Charles

Others cannot believe something you have not yet believed about yourself.

I charge you today to look at everything you have done and are doing. Look at yourself clearly. Don’t short-change yourself because you haven’t yet received the confirmation from the masses. Believe in yourself enough to know who and what you are. You may discover you are already there. You will grow so much from that revelation you will find out you’re unstoppable. And watch what happens from then on!
No More Chains

June 5th, 2022

Few feelings in the world are as great as the feeling of liberation.

I have never been in physical shackles, and I am so grateful.

Shackles of Another Making

However, that doesn’t mean that I have never been imprisoned.

You know the feeling of being trapped or the state of not being able to move or change your situation.

What about enclosing yourself inside yourself, not free to express what you desire or openly exhibit what you love because it’s frowned upon.

Self-Forged Chains; Self-Imprisonment

Image by Engin Akyurt from Pixabay

Unfortunately, while many do not don physical chains, we still wear chains. Some of those chains are self-forged.

I know mine was.

I voluntarily handed over my freedom. That’s because I was a people pleaser. But, as I mentioned before, I was mired in GOOP.

To be honest, I have always felt like an outsider. And I never embraced that as something powerful or to be championed. I always saw it as a horrible flaw.

I wanted so badly to belong and be liked.

Unseen Chains

So, every day I reinforced my unseen chains until they were ironclad.

But unseen chains are some of the most complex constraints to break free of.

Although I felt them, I couldn’t see them.

I would sense the tug every now and then because they held me back from being who I could be because I was stuck at who I wasn’t. And instead of asking how I could be more like myself and love myself for who I was, I always questioned why I couldn’t be like someone else.

Now I know it was mostly fear that people would laugh or ignore me if I did more of what I loved. It was not as if they weren’t already laughing. I needed them to laugh a whole lot less.

So I struggled a lot.

Why do we so easily accept chains?

Image by Magnascan from Pixabay

We are human and flawed. One of the most basic human needs is acceptance.

There aren’t many who don’t wish to belong. Belonging means congruency, having a home or feeling at home. That means comfort.

So, we seek affirmation.

However, this is the antithesis of freedom. Someone else holds the keys to our movement.

As Edith Eger author of the book The Gift 14 Lessons to Save your Life pens it,

“But when you’re a whole person, an adult, you don’t have to ask anyone’s permission.” ( 110).

What Happens When We Look for Affirmation?

When someone doesn’t affirm us, it drives us to act in ways against our nature in trying to wedge ourselves into a mold someone else has constructed.

The thing about trying to fit in the molds others make for us is sometimes they are too small, and sometimes there are too big. So, we either must shrink ourselves to fit or fill large spaces that are too big for us.

And sadly, we either suffocate ourselves or lose ourselves because we never meet those standards. They are too far from who we are.

A little example with a significant meaning

Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay

Think of a giant in a land of elves.

All the giant knows he is his otherness. That otherness makes him feel lonely, uncomfortable and rejected. So his greatest desire is to have the comfort of being included. So, he sets to the task of doing whatever he must to fit in with the elves. However, some of the things they engage in simply don’t suit him or his frame.

But he attempts to engage anyway, knowing it will never make him happy within himself. More importantly, it will never work. On the contrary, it will likely cause him more pain. He will suffer the physical pain of simply not being equipped to do those things. He will suffer the emotional pain of feeling less than trying and failing to accomplish those things that his very nature will not permit.

The giant will always be unhappy. He will feel stuck. And the elves will never respect him. They may pity him, but that is something different altogether.

You see, they know he will never be one of them. And by not being himself, they don’t benefit from the uniqueness he would bring to them. So, he is essentially imprisoned by his own doing.

Either way, he pushes against a brick wall and expects it to move, resulting in dissatisfaction.

The Greatest Freedom: Dropping the Chains

Photo by Zulmaury Saavedra on Unsplash

Thus, I understand that the greatest freedom lies in totally accepting who you are in being free to love what you love and who you are without apology—understanding that you are enough. You don’t need to earn or prove anything. You were born worthy of acceptance, and that was so from the day you entered this world.

Above all, you don’t have anything to prove.

“If you have something to prove, you’re still a prisoner (Eger 112).”

Those who love you will accept you for who you are. They will not attempt to change you to fit some model of what they desire.

And it helps to remember that there will always be someone out there who will appreciate and love you for your flaws. Because to them, you are perfect in your imperfections.

In Freedom: You are Complete

You can never be someone else. Even if you tried, you would find it exhausting. You can wear a mask for a bit, but that gets old. You must take it off.

It may seem that you can achieve greater acceptance by altering the things you engage in.

What fun is it in giving up the things you find pleasure in to engage in something that doesn’t move your heart? That brings about regret.

It is possible to alter your exterior; medical advancements make it so. But then what.

You must ask yourself what will be enough. They don’t love you if they need to change something about you to love you. They love the desire for that thing more. Who’s to say they will not later desire to change something else. If someone is unhappy with who you are, they will either continue to place more expectations on you or simply discard you when you fail to meet their ideal. That is subjecting oneself to a life of constant fear and abuse.

A Word of Wisdom

If someone needs you to be something or someone else, liberate them. Focus on loving you as you are. Release your spirit, and your mind and body will follow. You will find you will draw more of the same freedom in nature and those who celebrate the freedom you live in.
Get In the Race

May 31st, 2022

We all want to win, no question.

While winning may mean something different to everyone, the desire remains the same.

We want to come out on top.

We want to be achievers.

It’s in our DNA to be so.

As explored in the inquiry series, how we will come out on top is often elusive, and when is often indeterminate.

But one thing is sure. If you are not in the running, you can’t win the race.

What if the Competition Looks Unconquerable?

Image by Thomas Wolter from Pixabay

No matter how stiff the competition looks, don’t turn around.

Harper Lee, the author of To Kill a Mockingbird, once said,

“Real courage is when you know you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.”
Stierheim, Merrett. “The Importance of Ethical Leadership and Moral Courage IN PUBLIC MANAGEMENT.” PM. Public Management, vol. 102, no. 3, International City/County Management Association, Mar. 2020, p. 19.

But Winning the Race Seems Impossible?

Truth be told. Whether one may, believe it or not, impossible things happen every day.

Nelson Mandela once said,

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.’

So, hold hope

Without hope that you can win, you will not.

Whether You Must Find a Way or Make a Way: Get in The Race.

Photo by nappy: https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-wearing-white-sweater-and-black-shorts-about-to-run-936094/

You have got to find a way to get in the running.

Know only you can make things happen for you.

No one is going to petition you to get in the running.

No one is going to sign your name on the dotted line.

You must sign up to enter the race

And when you get your name on the list, take the next step. Be bold.

I Did it. I’m In The Race, Now What?

Don’t Slack Up. Run with everything you have.

When you place your feet on the starting line, set your intention to win despite the odds.

Because although you may not win every race, you run, you get a little stronger, and you learn the terrain better. So that brings you a little bit closer to a win.

Babe Ruth said, “Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.”

But I’m tired of running. This race is too long.

Keep At It!

Photo by Thirdman: https://www.pexels.com/photo/wood-art-dirty-sign-5981507/

If you need inspiration, look at the fact that you have the capacity and opportunity to run as a blessing. Remember, so many want to run but are unable to.

Push forward, knowing full well that even if you don’t finish first, the next prize could very well be yours

But I’m Weary?

We all get weary. That’s okay. Rest for a bit, and then get back on track. But just don’t give up.

Thomas Edison said,

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”
Thomas A. Edison – Many of life’s failures are people who…. https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/thomas_a_edison_109004

If you stop running, then you will never get the prize.

It’s always too soon to quit!” ― Norman Vincent Peale.
https://wealthygorilla.com/55-norman-vincent-peale-quotes/

So if I could offer anything to you today, is this big push in a positive direction.

Know that you got this.

You are a winner, or else you wouldn’t be here.

Knock on enough doors; someone has got to answer. If you search long enough, you’re going to strike gold. If you keep running, you’ll win. It’s all about consistency.

So, If you’re wondering if you should take the next step, then yes.

Get in the race

Photo by Braden Collum on Unsplash